yesterday was ...

my 39th birthday!!! Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear meeeeee, happy birthday to me!

While I am not thrilled about the nine behind the three, I am happy about two things:

1) I made it to 39 - the last two months have given me quite a bit to think about regarding what would happen if I had not survived the stroke (I see a post about this one coming...).

The biggest revelation that I have discovered about myself is that were I to die, I want my husband to re-marry. This is a big deal for me to actually feel that way, because it has not always been the case. Hubbie and I actually had this discussion a year or so after we were married (but before kids, and maybe that makes the difference) and I told him in no uncertain terms, if I were to die, he was to spend the rest of his life pining for me.

I haven't given this much thought over the last 10 years or so, but the day I came home from the hospital, we re-visited the topic and I was obnoxiously insistent that he is to find a wonderful woman (no, not more wonderful, beautiful, kind, normal than I, but wonderful) to marry, raise the kids and spend the rest of his life with. Yes, morose, but very important to me...

2. I am not 40 (yet) ... I think it will take a good portion of the year to adjust to turning 40 next year. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my life, family, children, hubbie, etc, but I still cling to being "in my 30's" ...

So, happy day around here ... hubbie and the kids surprised me with a zoom lens for my camera. It really was an awesome surprise because it meant that he had to do RESEARCH and make decisions about technical equipment (my area of decision making in our home) ... and now I don't have to do it!!!! Honestly, I didn't even know where to start looking for the lens, or how much to spend, or how intense it needed to be, or anything ... so not only did I get a fabulous gift, I got "time"!!

He is awesome!!

the tears are drying ...

OMSH had this link this morning, and like a fool I went and clicked it (I check out most things OMSH suggests) ... and cried my eyes out!

What an absolutely amazing woman, what a profound talent, and what an amazing testimony to use your talents to provide such a gift and blessing to the families of fallen soldiers. Simply a wonderful story in my book!!

I read a great post today ...

at Autobiography of my Feet that really, really got me thinking and I chose to make a "post" at that site in the comments section today!

and just what do I have to be emotional about?

...since we are headed to the beach for the morning, the house is clean, laundry is caught up, beachboy is spending the day with his best friend, the other two can't wait to get to the beach ... well....

Beachdad went out last night to happy hour and (say this with big, big, big pouty lips) I WANTED TO GO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS TOO!!!

However, I am still smart enough to know that the madness at the "toss" is way overload for me and since I wouldn't have been any fun anyway, I chose to stay home and make spaghetti for the kids.

AND NOW I AM SAAAADDDDDD

OK, this is cool!

Life is Good…At the Beach » Strawberry Jam.

I stumbled across Life is Good at the Beach a couple of weeks ago, and being the beachgirl that I am, I was hooked and have loved the posts and comments. While I am a little slow on the uptake, I didn't realize that I was enjoying the writings from Canada (see I still play this blogging game with myself: while no one that I know can possibly figure out I am writing my blog, I am certain that I can peg a friend's blog from a million miles away!)

Even though I didn't know who the blogger was, I have enjoyed this one ... so imagine my shock today when Life is Good had a posting about my home state's strawberries & strawberry jam ... on which I am quite hooked myself!

Just another fun coincidence in the small world of blogging!

Tuesday

Tuesday is a big day for me - I go back to the team of neurologists who gave me the unsettling news that I had a brain stem stroke at the age of 38. My recovery has been nothing short of amazing. The residual side effects are minimal, and certainly manageable even if they never go away.

Frankly, the biggest problem right now is that I am not a lot of fun when I get tired ... but I don't think I was before the stroke happened either, so I guess that is a wash! I am still dizzy (but not debilitatingly so), I have no temperature sensation on the right side of my body ... it is a strange sensation that I have, but still can't really describe it, and, I still have trouble reading for long periods of time or looking at a computer screen for any length of time. I don't know that the vision stuff will actually improve without assistance - I still look weird in a dim room because my left pupil is about half the size of my right. The kids think I am a circus freak and love to show that little trick to their friends. After the summer they have had, they can show anything they want!

My quote that I made into gifts for many of the wonderful people who have come out of the woodwork to make dinners, take the kids out for a fun day, take laundry, sit and chat, etc:
"Sometimes it takes a stroke of luck to learn of all your blessings ... thanks for being one of mine!"
My first round of crafty thank you's were 4th of July flip flop wreaths, which a friend of mine helped me to assemble - 12 wreaths later, we were covered in hot glue. I know people think I am nuts for taking on projects, but when you can't read, work on the computer for more than 15 minutes at a time, and tv is waaaayyyy overrated - you need something to do!

This has been an amazing 6 weeks to say the very least! I am healing and frankly, most people would not know anything had happened to look at me ... which is a good thing for which I am very grateful! I am also grateful for the love, the prayers, the support and the kindness which our community has surrounded us with. The kids have handled this in the best way that kids know how to - they ignore it and try to find as many ways to get into trouble as they possibly can!

Now, if I could just accept that I will never know why (physically why, I truly believe God got the message across for "why") this happened, and more importantly put aside the fact that no one can tell me if it will ever happen again! I have a definite black cloud hanging over my emotions all the time, and while I know that cloud is simply fear, I can't yet banish it and feel truly safe.

*The Secret Life of Kat - A Typical Southern, Suburban, Soccer Mom....or maybe not.

*The Secret Life of Kat - A Typical Southern, Suburban, Soccer Mom....or maybe not..

I have been reading "Kat" for a few days now, and love her STYLE! I have taken quite a bit from her writings, and simply loved her last two posts - on parenting and "where were they". Such a great inspiration!

losing it ...

recovery is going beautifully, I can do most of the things that I was able to do before the stroke, but now I am learning that I am losing my mind (actually, I was losing it before the stroke, but at least now Ihave an excuse!! Thank you God!)

On Sunday we were driving home from Church discussing how we wanted to spend the day. I was feeling pretty good after a bad day on Saturday (which was also beachgirl's birthday, more on that later) so we decided to go to the pool, have an early dinner and hit the beach for a twilight session of skimboarding and relaxing. Sounded like the perfect plan for a beautiful afternoon with the family.

TO THIS DAY I do not know why I went home and looked at my planner (which hasn't gotten a lot of use since early June) and realized that OMGoodness, Beachboy is supposed to go to camp THIS WEEK and check-in is at 3:00 and camp is 2 hours away ...

I had not packed
I did not have his physical form (to my defense, the form had been dropped off two weeks before with plans to pick it up this week because he was leaving for camp NEXT WEEK)
He didn't have a sleeping bag because a friend was using his
I had not packed
He was not ready and was a bit shell shocked

Well, a bizarre PEACE came over me as all of the kids started to frazzle ... hubbie called the doctor, who JUST HAPPENED TO BE ON CALL THIS WEEKEND ... AND ... WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE OFFICE ON A SUNDAY MORNING and hubbie went and picked up the physical form, the kids and I got beachboy all packed in 40 minutes flat (AMEN that we have kept up with the laundry for the last month), and beachboy was ready to go to camp in under an hour. We stopped at the trusty wal mart to pick up a 9.99 sleeping bag, and now my precious first-born is having a ball at camp and while I miss him terribly, I know that he is meant to be there and he will be well taken care of!