Tuesday

Tuesday is a big day for me - I go back to the team of neurologists who gave me the unsettling news that I had a brain stem stroke at the age of 38. My recovery has been nothing short of amazing. The residual side effects are minimal, and certainly manageable even if they never go away.

Frankly, the biggest problem right now is that I am not a lot of fun when I get tired ... but I don't think I was before the stroke happened either, so I guess that is a wash! I am still dizzy (but not debilitatingly so), I have no temperature sensation on the right side of my body ... it is a strange sensation that I have, but still can't really describe it, and, I still have trouble reading for long periods of time or looking at a computer screen for any length of time. I don't know that the vision stuff will actually improve without assistance - I still look weird in a dim room because my left pupil is about half the size of my right. The kids think I am a circus freak and love to show that little trick to their friends. After the summer they have had, they can show anything they want!

My quote that I made into gifts for many of the wonderful people who have come out of the woodwork to make dinners, take the kids out for a fun day, take laundry, sit and chat, etc:
"Sometimes it takes a stroke of luck to learn of all your blessings ... thanks for being one of mine!"
My first round of crafty thank you's were 4th of July flip flop wreaths, which a friend of mine helped me to assemble - 12 wreaths later, we were covered in hot glue. I know people think I am nuts for taking on projects, but when you can't read, work on the computer for more than 15 minutes at a time, and tv is waaaayyyy overrated - you need something to do!

This has been an amazing 6 weeks to say the very least! I am healing and frankly, most people would not know anything had happened to look at me ... which is a good thing for which I am very grateful! I am also grateful for the love, the prayers, the support and the kindness which our community has surrounded us with. The kids have handled this in the best way that kids know how to - they ignore it and try to find as many ways to get into trouble as they possibly can!

Now, if I could just accept that I will never know why (physically why, I truly believe God got the message across for "why") this happened, and more importantly put aside the fact that no one can tell me if it will ever happen again! I have a definite black cloud hanging over my emotions all the time, and while I know that cloud is simply fear, I can't yet banish it and feel truly safe.