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just when I am determined to figure out this whole thing called life - LIFE INTERFERES!!!
Saturday afternoon my beloved grandfather passed away after complications from a heart valve replacement. His procedure took place about 3 1/2 weeks ago and while the surgery went beautifully and the replacement valves looked great and were doing their job (as far as the ct scans showed), his lungs simply could not recover from all of the going-ons. After a really good week of recovery, he started failing and in the last week was returned to CCU and in a matter of days things went from bad to worse and worse and worse until we lost him on Saturday. While it is devastating to lose such a terrific man, and a wonderful grandfather, there is praise to be given that he is no longer in any pain at all. Our daughter asked to say blessing the evening he passed away, and it was as follows: "Dear God, please take care of Pop-pop...and I hope we can see him again soon, but not too soon. Amen" Now is simply the time to take care of the arrangements and then the time to mourn will begin.
Yesterday was Beachdude's 5th birthday. Talk about a bittersweet birthday!! My baby (my last baby) is 5!!!! How that is humanly possible, I have no idea ... but he is one awesome kid! Before my grandfather had his surgery, we had planned to go to the circus and chucky cheese with my parents, my aunt and their grandchildren. We decided Pop-pop would be upset with us if he knew we cancelled the plans because we were sad, so we decided to follow through with our plans. And what a wonderful day we all had!! You see, there is nothing a child's birthday and Funfetti cake cannot improve!
All my love to my grandfather ... and I will go fishing and eat clams casino with you again someday!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
easter debate
Should we celebrate Easter in school? This is the big question of the day in our community as a school board recently made the decision that there would be no eggs, bunnies, baskets, candy or parties in the school district during the Easter Season. I am already reeling from the fact that we cannot have a "moment of silence" in our schools because it reminds people of prayer and we cannot have that ... but somehow removing all secular imagery of Easter just gets my goat (or bunny)! I mean, really, what is the harm done with an Easter Egg Hunt and Egg Decorating? I like those activities as opposed to the alternative which is to watch a movie on the "big screen" for the last half of the last day of school before break!
Monday, March 17, 2008
on a lighter note ...
beachboy had a lax tournament on Sunday and while we froze in the wind, rain and arctic temps., at least the lacrosse season is finally here! Beachboy has been playing for 4 years now, however, for some reason he has never played in this tournament. His team has gone the last 3 years, but we have missed it for one reason or another. ANYWAY, the team did a fabulous job - won one and lost three games ... but for a team that just came together as a whole two weeks ago, it was pretty impressive.
One of the remarkable things for me was the ability of beachboy to step up and take on a strong leadership role! The way our league works, the boys play at each level for two years. So, one year you are the newbie and the next year you are the experienced player. Beachboy loves playing with the older boys and loves following their lead and their direction and is very comfortable learning from them. Two years ago we were in the same boat we are now, where beachboy was one of the older boys of the team, but he was not at all comfortable being a leader. This year he has taken to that role with gusto and it is so much fun to watch leading the two younger boys who are playing defense and teaching them, on the field, how to read the players on the other team, help out the goalie, play middie back, etc.
He really loves to play this sport and is just so much fun to watch! Now, we just have to step up the allergy analysis and find a solution to the wheezing and congestion ... doesn't help the running very much!
One of the remarkable things for me was the ability of beachboy to step up and take on a strong leadership role! The way our league works, the boys play at each level for two years. So, one year you are the newbie and the next year you are the experienced player. Beachboy loves playing with the older boys and loves following their lead and their direction and is very comfortable learning from them. Two years ago we were in the same boat we are now, where beachboy was one of the older boys of the team, but he was not at all comfortable being a leader. This year he has taken to that role with gusto and it is so much fun to watch leading the two younger boys who are playing defense and teaching them, on the field, how to read the players on the other team, help out the goalie, play middie back, etc.
He really loves to play this sport and is just so much fun to watch! Now, we just have to step up the allergy analysis and find a solution to the wheezing and congestion ... doesn't help the running very much!
yes, I am a believer!!
My "spring" post last week has most certainly made a believer out of me:
1. the power of the pen - just taking the time to write down the jumbles of thoughts, fears and frustrations was amazingly cathartic. I have been able to take each point and focus on my issues and analyze where we have been and where I am going.
2. the power of community - WOW!! No one in my real world knows about this blog, however, the two comment responses and the emails that I have received make me realize that there is most definitely a blog world where there are kind and compassionate people who can sympathize, empathize and offer really really great advice!! Sometimes I feel very very alone in my own head because it is not easy to share my fears and failures with others. I really really bared my heart and soul and was not attacked for it - rather some very kind people came to my defense and offered some amazing insight - THANK YOU JCK AND HRH for taking the time to send such a wonderful message to a mom and woman who is in a tough emotional spot!!
3. the power of family - after I got up from the computer I spent the next 3 days focused on our children and found just so many amazing things in each and every one of them that I am grateful for and that make me laugh! Knowing I will get through this tough spot is all the sweeter knowing they are the reasons for being the person I am meant to be!
4. the power of GOD - am I "better" than I was last week? Not really ... Do I feel better than I did last week? Absolutely ... and I have no doubt that God's hand allowed me to reach out, express myself and receive such wonderful advice and suggestions back. Sometimes reaching out is what it takes to find the answers within and that is the best starting place of all.
And that, in a nutshell, is where I am today. Just starting! Starting to find out who and what I am meant to be as life evolves around me. Nothing is simple, that is for sure ... but I am at a starting point and will be picking and choosing my way through the next hours, days & months. And reading some great blogs by some great people!
1. the power of the pen - just taking the time to write down the jumbles of thoughts, fears and frustrations was amazingly cathartic. I have been able to take each point and focus on my issues and analyze where we have been and where I am going.
2. the power of community - WOW!! No one in my real world knows about this blog, however, the two comment responses and the emails that I have received make me realize that there is most definitely a blog world where there are kind and compassionate people who can sympathize, empathize and offer really really great advice!! Sometimes I feel very very alone in my own head because it is not easy to share my fears and failures with others. I really really bared my heart and soul and was not attacked for it - rather some very kind people came to my defense and offered some amazing insight - THANK YOU JCK AND HRH for taking the time to send such a wonderful message to a mom and woman who is in a tough emotional spot!!
3. the power of family - after I got up from the computer I spent the next 3 days focused on our children and found just so many amazing things in each and every one of them that I am grateful for and that make me laugh! Knowing I will get through this tough spot is all the sweeter knowing they are the reasons for being the person I am meant to be!
4. the power of GOD - am I "better" than I was last week? Not really ... Do I feel better than I did last week? Absolutely ... and I have no doubt that God's hand allowed me to reach out, express myself and receive such wonderful advice and suggestions back. Sometimes reaching out is what it takes to find the answers within and that is the best starting place of all.
And that, in a nutshell, is where I am today. Just starting! Starting to find out who and what I am meant to be as life evolves around me. Nothing is simple, that is for sure ... but I am at a starting point and will be picking and choosing my way through the next hours, days & months. And reading some great blogs by some great people!
Friday, March 14, 2008
spring is coming ... and this post is way toooooo long!
we finally have a beautiful day here on the east coast and it reminds me just how much I love the onset of Spring and the imminent arrival of summer!!!
As with most people, I am at such a crossroads in my mommy-world and I don't think I am handling it very well. I am not sure I am handling the changes very well, nor am I doing a great job of accepting the fact that changes have to be made.
I am grateful that I have spent the last 10 years as a stay at home mom ... it is SOOO rewarding for me to know that Beachdad and I made a vow after our first son was born (yes, I said after - 3 and a half months after he was born, I accepted that I was going to be a full time mother). I love being a mother and I love that I have been focusing solely on the kids for their early years. I was heading back to work when our daughter turned 5, but then found out we were pregnant with our youngest. He turns 5 this month and will start kindergarten in the fall. Could he use me at home for a few more years? Yes. Will I be as effective a mom for him as I was for the first two if I don't go back to work? No. And that is very hard for me to admit to anyone, especially myself.
Why won't I be as effective?
1. I have invested my entire self in the kids schooling, and have come to the understanding that I am not an employee of the school district therefor I can only affect so much change. If I cut back drastically on my time spent in school, there will still be plenty of time to be a mother and help my children and their school work, but I won't be investing so much of myself in the school itself.
2. Not knowing all of the things that I know about school would probably be a good thing. Being the PTO president allows me access to information (mostly gossip, of course) that is extremely negative in nature ... and while all of it may not be true, being aware of the negativity and worrying that it so directly could affect the kids (in my heart I don't think it does) is completely scary.
3. We definitely have money issues. I think I naively thought that I was doing the right thing by staying home, but as the three kids are getting older, we have not properly adjusted the budget ... then because he had to get away from a very questionable work environment, my husband took a new job/career last April which will ultimately benefit our family, but did reduce his income and took away the bonuses that I didn't even realize were critical to making ends meet.
4. For the last 4 or so months, I have completely chosen to ignore all of the problematic issues that we are going through. Ignoring problems is my specialty, and I assume at some point they will be resolved. Deep, deep down I know this is not the way to handle issues, but I am now so deep in a "funk" that I have changed the way I am around my husband, my family, my parents and my friends. I am scared, uneasy and questioning our entire future. I don't sleep, I eat excessively and all the time (yup, you can imagine the weight issues), and yet, I continue to try to push the problems deep deep down so that I don't have to face them.
5. This is not the way to live! I am an educated, late-30 mother of three awesomely terrific kids and the wife to an amazing husband. They deserve so much more from me - more patience, more loveliness, more kindness, more family time, just MORE ME. They have not had "me" for so so long ... I have withdrawn into myself and become so aloof. Problems are "their fault" and I find myself yelling and angry at them all the time. Frankly, I hate admitting that I am angry all the time ... but I am angry at myself, not angry at them - they haven't made me this way. I made me this way and I have definitely GOT to find a way to evolve out of this personality.
WHEW, this is probably the longest I have spent thinking about my life and issues in a long long time. Now I just need to figure out how to come out of this funk. Suggestions?
As with most people, I am at such a crossroads in my mommy-world and I don't think I am handling it very well. I am not sure I am handling the changes very well, nor am I doing a great job of accepting the fact that changes have to be made.
I am grateful that I have spent the last 10 years as a stay at home mom ... it is SOOO rewarding for me to know that Beachdad and I made a vow after our first son was born (yes, I said after - 3 and a half months after he was born, I accepted that I was going to be a full time mother). I love being a mother and I love that I have been focusing solely on the kids for their early years. I was heading back to work when our daughter turned 5, but then found out we were pregnant with our youngest. He turns 5 this month and will start kindergarten in the fall. Could he use me at home for a few more years? Yes. Will I be as effective a mom for him as I was for the first two if I don't go back to work? No. And that is very hard for me to admit to anyone, especially myself.
Why won't I be as effective?
1. I have invested my entire self in the kids schooling, and have come to the understanding that I am not an employee of the school district therefor I can only affect so much change. If I cut back drastically on my time spent in school, there will still be plenty of time to be a mother and help my children and their school work, but I won't be investing so much of myself in the school itself.
2. Not knowing all of the things that I know about school would probably be a good thing. Being the PTO president allows me access to information (mostly gossip, of course) that is extremely negative in nature ... and while all of it may not be true, being aware of the negativity and worrying that it so directly could affect the kids (in my heart I don't think it does) is completely scary.
3. We definitely have money issues. I think I naively thought that I was doing the right thing by staying home, but as the three kids are getting older, we have not properly adjusted the budget ... then because he had to get away from a very questionable work environment, my husband took a new job/career last April which will ultimately benefit our family, but did reduce his income and took away the bonuses that I didn't even realize were critical to making ends meet.
4. For the last 4 or so months, I have completely chosen to ignore all of the problematic issues that we are going through. Ignoring problems is my specialty, and I assume at some point they will be resolved. Deep, deep down I know this is not the way to handle issues, but I am now so deep in a "funk" that I have changed the way I am around my husband, my family, my parents and my friends. I am scared, uneasy and questioning our entire future. I don't sleep, I eat excessively and all the time (yup, you can imagine the weight issues), and yet, I continue to try to push the problems deep deep down so that I don't have to face them.
5. This is not the way to live! I am an educated, late-30 mother of three awesomely terrific kids and the wife to an amazing husband. They deserve so much more from me - more patience, more loveliness, more kindness, more family time, just MORE ME. They have not had "me" for so so long ... I have withdrawn into myself and become so aloof. Problems are "their fault" and I find myself yelling and angry at them all the time. Frankly, I hate admitting that I am angry all the time ... but I am angry at myself, not angry at them - they haven't made me this way. I made me this way and I have definitely GOT to find a way to evolve out of this personality.
WHEW, this is probably the longest I have spent thinking about my life and issues in a long long time. Now I just need to figure out how to come out of this funk. Suggestions?
Thursday, March 13, 2008
3/13/08
1. 2nd to last day of State Testing - yeaahhhh!!!
2. I have been married for thirteen and a half years and finally today went and requested a copy of my Social Security Card with my "married name" since the school district I would like to sub for would not accept my maiden name card. The SS office was surprised I had never received a card when I changed my name, but the records showed that one had never been sent. I guess the number is more important than the name to everyone except the school district.
3. LAX has started full force around here with sticks, balls, cleats & under-armour scattered about the garage.
4. D*M*, I meant to have the garage fully organized by now so the kids would have a place to put all of the above-mentioned equipment!!!
5. We finally switched to digital cable, but only have ONE CONVERTER BOX ... so now beachdude hangs out in my office/den to watch noggin all day long!!! I am learning many new kids characters...
6. Question of the day ... if this year was not a leap year, would today be Friday the 13th? For the life of me, I cannot figure that out that this given moment!!
2. I have been married for thirteen and a half years and finally today went and requested a copy of my Social Security Card with my "married name" since the school district I would like to sub for would not accept my maiden name card. The SS office was surprised I had never received a card when I changed my name, but the records showed that one had never been sent. I guess the number is more important than the name to everyone except the school district.
3. LAX has started full force around here with sticks, balls, cleats & under-armour scattered about the garage.
4. D*M*, I meant to have the garage fully organized by now so the kids would have a place to put all of the above-mentioned equipment!!!
5. We finally switched to digital cable, but only have ONE CONVERTER BOX ... so now beachdude hangs out in my office/den to watch noggin all day long!!! I am learning many new kids characters...
6. Question of the day ... if this year was not a leap year, would today be Friday the 13th? For the life of me, I cannot figure that out that this given moment!!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
money money money
wow, there is definitely something frustrating about money! There is NEVER enough of it, it keeps hubbie away from home more than we would like and it keeps me awake from 2am until 6 most nights. If there was actually a fairy who could grant me one wish, it would simply be to "keep money from ruling our lives"!! I hate that money - spending it and not spending it has such a profound effect on my life and personality from day to day.
Even having money in the bank (which I don't right now, but still there are times when it happens) causes worry, because what do we do with it - spend it, save it, what if it is not there when I need it? OMG, I am driving myself crazy with all of this ... but the kids are healthy, Beachdad likes his career so fortunately that won't be changing anytime soon, and it looks like I will be able to remain an at-home mom until beachdude goes to school full-time in the fall. Yes, I am sure I seem like a spoiled brat about all of this, but I want to stop worrying ... I mean, come on, worrying doesn't solve anything!!
Even having money in the bank (which I don't right now, but still there are times when it happens) causes worry, because what do we do with it - spend it, save it, what if it is not there when I need it? OMG, I am driving myself crazy with all of this ... but the kids are healthy, Beachdad likes his career so fortunately that won't be changing anytime soon, and it looks like I will be able to remain an at-home mom until beachdude goes to school full-time in the fall. Yes, I am sure I seem like a spoiled brat about all of this, but I want to stop worrying ... I mean, come on, worrying doesn't solve anything!!
Friday, March 7, 2008
Pet Peeve Alert ... STATE TESTING
OK, I am the first to admit that I am WAAAYYYY over the top on this issue, but our kids are in the middle of state testing this week and next and I am so frustrated that I actually had a "fit" (yes, I raised my voice and expressed my anger) with our vice-principal. While I try very hard to control my temper, this state testing issue has pushed me beyond the limits ... and now I will vent!
I am simply stunned by the absurd attitude that has overtaken our elementary school regarding the state tests. First, because of scheduling issues beyond our control, the testing is almost three weeks earlier than usual this year. You would think, however, that the testing is 6 months earlier than usual based on the frantic, almost manic, cramming that is going on in the classrooms. Beachboy came home MONDAY (math test started Wednesday) with a brand new way of executing multiplication of 2 places and 3 places which he had never seen before and was told by his teacher: "this is the only way you can show multiplication on the state test". HELLLOOOO, are you kidding me? My response: "Beachboy, we will do this worksheet for homework, then you can forget this method until after state testing is done and we will go back to this method so that you understand what it is". His math teacher was furious with me, but I calmly explained that Beachboy could not change his methodology at this late date and I did not expect him to. [Mind you, I have been working with my son on my own based on state standards so that he would be prepared for the upcoming math topics, which his teacher, unfortunately, has not been doing].
Issue #2: we received a phone call Sunday Night from the school system "reminding us" that state testing was starting this week and we needed to make sure our children got plenty of sleep this week and ate a nutritious breakfast every morning because these tests are so important. IMPORTANT TO WHOM????? It does not affect my son or daughter's education ... as a matter of fact, if the school did poorly maybe the school would go back to teaching the basics which we parents have been screaming for for the last few years! Shouldn't our students be getting plenty of sleep and eating a great breakfast every morning that they go to school? And why does the school provide free breakfast only during state testing? Why not all year long?
I have begged, pleaded, volunteered and everything else I can think of to energize our administration and teachers to accept that they are responsible for the education of an entire generation of students. The students in their classrooms this year will only be there for one year, so no matter how tired they may be, or how tired they are of the material they are teaching, they owe it to our students to be the best teachers they can possibly be. I still get excuses and complaints on a regular basis...never, concrete answers or suggestions on how we can move our program forward and deal with our excelling students as well as those who are lagging behind. But believe me, the stress and pressure is on the kids right now ... "you had better get a 4 or a 5 on the test this year or else our school will not keep its superior rating"! That is not fair to a 4th grader who is dealing with a ton of hormonal and emotional issues as well as already has test anxiety.
OHHHHH, I am an angry MOM right now!!
I am simply stunned by the absurd attitude that has overtaken our elementary school regarding the state tests. First, because of scheduling issues beyond our control, the testing is almost three weeks earlier than usual this year. You would think, however, that the testing is 6 months earlier than usual based on the frantic, almost manic, cramming that is going on in the classrooms. Beachboy came home MONDAY (math test started Wednesday) with a brand new way of executing multiplication of 2 places and 3 places which he had never seen before and was told by his teacher: "this is the only way you can show multiplication on the state test". HELLLOOOO, are you kidding me? My response: "Beachboy, we will do this worksheet for homework, then you can forget this method until after state testing is done and we will go back to this method so that you understand what it is". His math teacher was furious with me, but I calmly explained that Beachboy could not change his methodology at this late date and I did not expect him to. [Mind you, I have been working with my son on my own based on state standards so that he would be prepared for the upcoming math topics, which his teacher, unfortunately, has not been doing].
Issue #2: we received a phone call Sunday Night from the school system "reminding us" that state testing was starting this week and we needed to make sure our children got plenty of sleep this week and ate a nutritious breakfast every morning because these tests are so important. IMPORTANT TO WHOM????? It does not affect my son or daughter's education ... as a matter of fact, if the school did poorly maybe the school would go back to teaching the basics which we parents have been screaming for for the last few years! Shouldn't our students be getting plenty of sleep and eating a great breakfast every morning that they go to school? And why does the school provide free breakfast only during state testing? Why not all year long?
I have begged, pleaded, volunteered and everything else I can think of to energize our administration and teachers to accept that they are responsible for the education of an entire generation of students. The students in their classrooms this year will only be there for one year, so no matter how tired they may be, or how tired they are of the material they are teaching, they owe it to our students to be the best teachers they can possibly be. I still get excuses and complaints on a regular basis...never, concrete answers or suggestions on how we can move our program forward and deal with our excelling students as well as those who are lagging behind. But believe me, the stress and pressure is on the kids right now ... "you had better get a 4 or a 5 on the test this year or else our school will not keep its superior rating"! That is not fair to a 4th grader who is dealing with a ton of hormonal and emotional issues as well as already has test anxiety.
OHHHHH, I am an angry MOM right now!!
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