spring is coming ... and this post is way toooooo long!

we finally have a beautiful day here on the east coast and it reminds me just how much I love the onset of Spring and the imminent arrival of summer!!!

As with most people, I am at such a crossroads in my mommy-world and I don't think I am handling it very well. I am not sure I am handling the changes very well, nor am I doing a great job of accepting the fact that changes have to be made.

I am grateful that I have spent the last 10 years as a stay at home mom ... it is SOOO rewarding for me to know that Beachdad and I made a vow after our first son was born (yes, I said after - 3 and a half months after he was born, I accepted that I was going to be a full time mother). I love being a mother and I love that I have been focusing solely on the kids for their early years. I was heading back to work when our daughter turned 5, but then found out we were pregnant with our youngest. He turns 5 this month and will start kindergarten in the fall. Could he use me at home for a few more years? Yes. Will I be as effective a mom for him as I was for the first two if I don't go back to work? No. And that is very hard for me to admit to anyone, especially myself.

Why won't I be as effective?
1. I have invested my entire self in the kids schooling, and have come to the understanding that I am not an employee of the school district therefor I can only affect so much change. If I cut back drastically on my time spent in school, there will still be plenty of time to be a mother and help my children and their school work, but I won't be investing so much of myself in the school itself.

2. Not knowing all of the things that I know about school would probably be a good thing. Being the PTO president allows me access to information (mostly gossip, of course) that is extremely negative in nature ... and while all of it may not be true, being aware of the negativity and worrying that it so directly could affect the kids (in my heart I don't think it does) is completely scary.

3. We definitely have money issues. I think I naively thought that I was doing the right thing by staying home, but as the three kids are getting older, we have not properly adjusted the budget ... then because he had to get away from a very questionable work environment, my husband took a new job/career last April which will ultimately benefit our family, but did reduce his income and took away the bonuses that I didn't even realize were critical to making ends meet.

4. For the last 4 or so months, I have completely chosen to ignore all of the problematic issues that we are going through. Ignoring problems is my specialty, and I assume at some point they will be resolved. Deep, deep down I know this is not the way to handle issues, but I am now so deep in a "funk" that I have changed the way I am around my husband, my family, my parents and my friends. I am scared, uneasy and questioning our entire future. I don't sleep, I eat excessively and all the time (yup, you can imagine the weight issues), and yet, I continue to try to push the problems deep deep down so that I don't have to face them.

5. This is not the way to live! I am an educated, late-30 mother of three awesomely terrific kids and the wife to an amazing husband. They deserve so much more from me - more patience, more loveliness, more kindness, more family time, just MORE ME. They have not had "me" for so so long ... I have withdrawn into myself and become so aloof. Problems are "their fault" and I find myself yelling and angry at them all the time. Frankly, I hate admitting that I am angry all the time ... but I am angry at myself, not angry at them - they haven't made me this way. I made me this way and I have definitely GOT to find a way to evolve out of this personality.

WHEW, this is probably the longest I have spent thinking about my life and issues in a long long time. Now I just need to figure out how to come out of this funk. Suggestions?