why "questioning"

my husband saw the title of my new blog and asked me why I used the phrase "questioning".

"God willing, you are going to turn 40 ... so what is the point in questioning it"
"Because I couldn't think of another phrase" was my oh-so-pithy answer. But it has been bugging me - I mean, he is right: 40 is coming whether I like it or not, and I am not going to spend too much time whining about getting older ... so why "questioning"?

After a half nights sleep (I don't count moving to the sofa at 3am a full nights sleep) - I think I have my answer - I am questioning who I am going to be at 40 and beyond. Will I be the same, will I be different ... is 40 like a huge New Year's Eve where I make a whole bunch of resolutions to change the person I am right now? Or do I just build on who I am now.

Frankly, deep deep down - when I get past my financial concerns and I get past my weight issues, I LOVE MY LIFE ... I just want to "live it more" or maybe I want to "live it more deliberately". I don't even really know how I want to do that, but I want to challenge all of the things that I don't like - I want to be more active, I want my kids to think I am a "young mom" instead of the matronly mother I think they believe I am now. I want to be able to run on the beach at sunrise without getting overly winded and simply appreciate the beauty that "is". I want my husband to really think I am sexy again (yes, he says he does, but I guess I want to feel it again) ... I want to feel confidence in ALL of the decisions I make about the kids - not just in a few of them. I don't want life to just keep happening to me ... I want to happen to life.

I don't even know whether all of these goals are attainable, or even if I really want all of the ramifications of them ... I just want to finally be the best me I can be - and I have quite a bit of work before I can get there!!