yesterday was ...

my 39th birthday!!! Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear meeeeee, happy birthday to me!

While I am not thrilled about the nine behind the three, I am happy about two things:

1) I made it to 39 - the last two months have given me quite a bit to think about regarding what would happen if I had not survived the stroke (I see a post about this one coming...).

The biggest revelation that I have discovered about myself is that were I to die, I want my husband to re-marry. This is a big deal for me to actually feel that way, because it has not always been the case. Hubbie and I actually had this discussion a year or so after we were married (but before kids, and maybe that makes the difference) and I told him in no uncertain terms, if I were to die, he was to spend the rest of his life pining for me.

I haven't given this much thought over the last 10 years or so, but the day I came home from the hospital, we re-visited the topic and I was obnoxiously insistent that he is to find a wonderful woman (no, not more wonderful, beautiful, kind, normal than I, but wonderful) to marry, raise the kids and spend the rest of his life with. Yes, morose, but very important to me...

2. I am not 40 (yet) ... I think it will take a good portion of the year to adjust to turning 40 next year. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for my life, family, children, hubbie, etc, but I still cling to being "in my 30's" ...

So, happy day around here ... hubbie and the kids surprised me with a zoom lens for my camera. It really was an awesome surprise because it meant that he had to do RESEARCH and make decisions about technical equipment (my area of decision making in our home) ... and now I don't have to do it!!!! Honestly, I didn't even know where to start looking for the lens, or how much to spend, or how intense it needed to be, or anything ... so not only did I get a fabulous gift, I got "time"!!

He is awesome!!

the tears are drying ...

OMSH had this link this morning, and like a fool I went and clicked it (I check out most things OMSH suggests) ... and cried my eyes out!

What an absolutely amazing woman, what a profound talent, and what an amazing testimony to use your talents to provide such a gift and blessing to the families of fallen soldiers. Simply a wonderful story in my book!!

I read a great post today ...

at Autobiography of my Feet that really, really got me thinking and I chose to make a "post" at that site in the comments section today!

and just what do I have to be emotional about?

...since we are headed to the beach for the morning, the house is clean, laundry is caught up, beachboy is spending the day with his best friend, the other two can't wait to get to the beach ... well....

Beachdad went out last night to happy hour and (say this with big, big, big pouty lips) I WANTED TO GO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS TOO!!!

However, I am still smart enough to know that the madness at the "toss" is way overload for me and since I wouldn't have been any fun anyway, I chose to stay home and make spaghetti for the kids.

AND NOW I AM SAAAADDDDDD

OK, this is cool!

Life is Good…At the Beach » Strawberry Jam.

I stumbled across Life is Good at the Beach a couple of weeks ago, and being the beachgirl that I am, I was hooked and have loved the posts and comments. While I am a little slow on the uptake, I didn't realize that I was enjoying the writings from Canada (see I still play this blogging game with myself: while no one that I know can possibly figure out I am writing my blog, I am certain that I can peg a friend's blog from a million miles away!)

Even though I didn't know who the blogger was, I have enjoyed this one ... so imagine my shock today when Life is Good had a posting about my home state's strawberries & strawberry jam ... on which I am quite hooked myself!

Just another fun coincidence in the small world of blogging!

Tuesday

Tuesday is a big day for me - I go back to the team of neurologists who gave me the unsettling news that I had a brain stem stroke at the age of 38. My recovery has been nothing short of amazing. The residual side effects are minimal, and certainly manageable even if they never go away.

Frankly, the biggest problem right now is that I am not a lot of fun when I get tired ... but I don't think I was before the stroke happened either, so I guess that is a wash! I am still dizzy (but not debilitatingly so), I have no temperature sensation on the right side of my body ... it is a strange sensation that I have, but still can't really describe it, and, I still have trouble reading for long periods of time or looking at a computer screen for any length of time. I don't know that the vision stuff will actually improve without assistance - I still look weird in a dim room because my left pupil is about half the size of my right. The kids think I am a circus freak and love to show that little trick to their friends. After the summer they have had, they can show anything they want!

My quote that I made into gifts for many of the wonderful people who have come out of the woodwork to make dinners, take the kids out for a fun day, take laundry, sit and chat, etc:
"Sometimes it takes a stroke of luck to learn of all your blessings ... thanks for being one of mine!"
My first round of crafty thank you's were 4th of July flip flop wreaths, which a friend of mine helped me to assemble - 12 wreaths later, we were covered in hot glue. I know people think I am nuts for taking on projects, but when you can't read, work on the computer for more than 15 minutes at a time, and tv is waaaayyyy overrated - you need something to do!

This has been an amazing 6 weeks to say the very least! I am healing and frankly, most people would not know anything had happened to look at me ... which is a good thing for which I am very grateful! I am also grateful for the love, the prayers, the support and the kindness which our community has surrounded us with. The kids have handled this in the best way that kids know how to - they ignore it and try to find as many ways to get into trouble as they possibly can!

Now, if I could just accept that I will never know why (physically why, I truly believe God got the message across for "why") this happened, and more importantly put aside the fact that no one can tell me if it will ever happen again! I have a definite black cloud hanging over my emotions all the time, and while I know that cloud is simply fear, I can't yet banish it and feel truly safe.

*The Secret Life of Kat - A Typical Southern, Suburban, Soccer Mom....or maybe not.

*The Secret Life of Kat - A Typical Southern, Suburban, Soccer Mom....or maybe not..

I have been reading "Kat" for a few days now, and love her STYLE! I have taken quite a bit from her writings, and simply loved her last two posts - on parenting and "where were they". Such a great inspiration!

losing it ...

recovery is going beautifully, I can do most of the things that I was able to do before the stroke, but now I am learning that I am losing my mind (actually, I was losing it before the stroke, but at least now Ihave an excuse!! Thank you God!)

On Sunday we were driving home from Church discussing how we wanted to spend the day. I was feeling pretty good after a bad day on Saturday (which was also beachgirl's birthday, more on that later) so we decided to go to the pool, have an early dinner and hit the beach for a twilight session of skimboarding and relaxing. Sounded like the perfect plan for a beautiful afternoon with the family.

TO THIS DAY I do not know why I went home and looked at my planner (which hasn't gotten a lot of use since early June) and realized that OMGoodness, Beachboy is supposed to go to camp THIS WEEK and check-in is at 3:00 and camp is 2 hours away ...

I had not packed
I did not have his physical form (to my defense, the form had been dropped off two weeks before with plans to pick it up this week because he was leaving for camp NEXT WEEK)
He didn't have a sleeping bag because a friend was using his
I had not packed
He was not ready and was a bit shell shocked

Well, a bizarre PEACE came over me as all of the kids started to frazzle ... hubbie called the doctor, who JUST HAPPENED TO BE ON CALL THIS WEEKEND ... AND ... WHO JUST HAPPENED TO BE IN THE OFFICE ON A SUNDAY MORNING and hubbie went and picked up the physical form, the kids and I got beachboy all packed in 40 minutes flat (AMEN that we have kept up with the laundry for the last month), and beachboy was ready to go to camp in under an hour. We stopped at the trusty wal mart to pick up a 9.99 sleeping bag, and now my precious first-born is having a ball at camp and while I miss him terribly, I know that he is meant to be there and he will be well taken care of!

simply shocking

a side note from "stroke speak" for today - yesterday at 3:39 in the afternoon, hubbie and I left our middle child - the red-headed beachgirl at mini-camp for two nights and three days! To many, this may not mean a whole lot, but when I think about the road of shyness that child has traveled to get to this point, it is still stunning to me that she is there!

Beachgirl dropped out of 2 & 3 year old pre-school (2 hours of fun a day) within the first week both years because she could not be separated from her mother. She never ever spoke to anyone outside of the family, she was so painfully shy she started crying as soon as we got in the car to go anywhere, even the playground. Yes, this drove me crazy, and I lost lots and lots of sleep thinking she would be socially backward for the rest of her life. She came around a bit when school started and loved going to Kindergarten and so on, but she still was extremely hesitant about doing anything new.

When her older brother started going to camp, she expressed no interest at all, and let us know that there was "no way" she was going to sleep away EVER - again, a tidbit that caused me much grief. Life started changing in small baby steps when she turned 7 and she went on her first sleep over birthday party. She didn't last all night, but she did make it until 10:00 when she got tired, found a phone and called us to come home to go to bed.

I am sure she just hit a new level of "readyness" when she started swimming, but I fully credit swimming with breaking beachgirl out of her shell! I laughed when I realized that the child was going to have to dive off the blocks ... she would never put herself out there like that for people to watch her (or so I thought)! No problem though, the first meet she just jumped right up on the blocks, dove off, was disqualified in the race, laughed, and that was the absolute end of the shy, demure, quiet little girl with whom we were so familiar.

And now she is at sleep-a-way camp! What a transformation!!!!!!

living in a small community

When hubbie and I moved back to my hometown 8 years ago, I knew that I wanted to raise our kids in a community where I was comfortable and where I knew the "majors" - doctors, babysitters, preschools & schools, dentists, etc. The last two weeks have been an unbelievable reminder of the love and support that you can find in a small town (or three small towns to be more specific!)

The cards, flowers, best wishes, offers to take the kids, meals dropped off, you name it, are still flowing in, and I have no doubt God is absolutely tired to hearing all of the pleas, requests, begging and anguish from friends and family to protect me and out family. The outpouring of love and concern has been nothing short of amazing ... what a wonderful community we live in.

a bizarre side-effect

"Googling" Brain Stem Stroke is an eye opening experience! Certainly a reminder that someone was looking out for me through this fiasco, and letting me know that I had better get my life in order since He gave me a "warning" but the opportunity to make good on my issues! I am scared half to death that if I don't take care of myself this could happen again and next time I could not survive, not regain consciousness, or need constant care. WHOA, I have three kids to raise and a wonderful husband who loves me (yes, all of this was a huge reminder to the two of us just how important we are to one another!)

On a lighter note, though, the most bizarre after-effect is this temperature "thing". The right side of my body cannot sense temperature at all. When I am put in a warm bath, the left side of my body feels the wonderful warm water as it surrounds me. The right side, feels the water and I can feel all sensations of things touching my skin, but I cannot feel the temperature AT ALL! Interestingly enough, if I put my right hand under hot water, the nerves must still sense the heat because my hand jerks out of the water, but it kind of does that by itself - really a strange sensation!

broken ... but blessed

Hi blogging world, I am back ... and BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!!!

Two weeks ago, this 38 year old mother of three was given the opportunity to re-examine my life, my priorities, my family, my decisions and my God. On Tuesday June 10th, the day before the last day of school, I was sitting at the YMCA playing tic-tac-toe with a really great friend of our daughters, his mom came in the door behind me, and I turned my head to say hello to her.

"Hi ___________, (I don't remember what I was about to say to her) OMG, I feel sooooo dizzy" She told me to put my head down, and I started throwing up and sweating as I had never sweated before, and passed out. This cycle repeated itself 5 times, the ambulance came and took me to the hospital. Whenever I opened my eyes, the world was on a 90 degree angle and the nausea just came in waves and waves and waves.

The hospital staff was certain I had vertigo and tried to make me comfortable until the spell passed. I remember everything very clearly, and I remember not being able to keep down any medications for the nausea, and I always knew the throwing up was coming because the sweating would start and I would once again be soaked.

While the hospital doctors were ready to send me home, my blessed husband would have no parts of that whatsoever! My blood pressure was sky high, and he let everyone know that there was no way I could "get" home in this condition, and they had to come up with a reason for the blood pressure being out of control. I was admitted to the hospital at about 3am Wednesday morning ... and spent the entire next day dizzy, throwing up, sleeping, throwing up, eating bites of jello, throwing it up, sleeping ... you get the picture.

Late Wednesday afternoon, the hospital doctor (my doctor was volunteering in China at the time) did a couple of tests to prove that "all I had" was vertigo and it was time for me to go home. THANK GOODNESS, my mom was in the room at the time, because I was so sick after he was done with the "dizzy tests" that without my advocate, he probably would have sent me home. He felt that he had proven the vertigo issue, until Mom asked him to explain why I had passed out and why my blood pressure was so high. Apparently he had not seen the portion of my file regarding what happened at the Y. After a few minutes, he decided to keep me in the hospital and went ahead and ordered the MRI that the neurologist had recommended if I didn't get any better.

Early Thursday morning, I woke and realized that the nausea was gone! It was such a strange sensation to realize that I no longer felt like throwing up. I was getting better ... my head was still spinning like never before and my blood pressure was sky high, but I didn't want to throw up anymore!!!

My excitement with the prospect of eating was short lived as the neurologist came in my room around 7:30 to let me know that something showed up on my MRI, and with my permission, he wanted to transfer me to the University of Maryland Medical Center in Baltimore ... to the Stroke Center.

At this point, my blood pressure was 210/180 ... and I was warned not to move my head too drastically in either direction (thinking about the "dizzy tests" the night before still causes me to sweat), and by noon the helicopter was on its way to take me to Baltimore. The father of one of beachdude's preschool classmates just happened to be the pilot of the flight - and I was completely at ease in his hands.

Once in Baltimore, I was treated like a queen in my bed as I was not allowed to go to x-ray, mri's or ct scans in a boring old wheelchair or on a gurney, I was not allowed to leave my bed, so they wheeled me around the hospital in my lounging bed. Boy, it made all of the technicians mad, but I was able to just keep sleeping and resting while they figured out what was going on.

I was honestly on an episode of "House"! Within an hour or two, the first group of residents showed up - Chase (the blond student who thought he had to be soooooo serious), Vera, the sweet neuro resident who carried 5 million tools in the 2 pockets of her white jacket and could never find the exact one that she wanted, and Dr. Z who was the chief resident and listened, and kept watching my eyes, and often schrunched up her nose at one of my answers who answered every one of our questions with "I am sorry, but until I look at all of the test results and your file AND talk to the neurologist I don't know anything".

Later that night, the group of doctors tripled as they squeezed into my tiny little room. This time, the neurologist was with them, and she let me know that I had a dissection in the left cerebral artery which caused a brain stem stroke. HUUUUHHHHH? Now, I must admit to reading romance, chick lit and medical mystery novels ... and the words "brain stem stroke" were almost laughable because in my books, I wouldn't be sitting here listening to you doctors telling me that I had a brain stem stroke. It really freaked me out ... how could this have happened to me? And no one had any ideas, nor was there anything other than observing me they were going to do. Surgery was really not the optimal solution because of the location of the dissection, plus the dissection appeared to have closed, and the symptoms were slowly easing. And, I was released.

SOOOOO, now I am back home, and a week later I am doing beautifully! I am still dizzy, however, not at all like in the beginning, just a wicked lean to the left, but I am getting more and more stable on my feet every day. I started physical therapy on Tuesday, and can already achieve many of the balance tests which I couldn't do when I first started. My doctor started me on blood pressure medication (beta-blocker) on Tuesday as well, and after 3 days on meds it is back to normal. Hopefully in another week, I will be able to back off the meds and the pressure will stabilize itself.

The hardest part is not being to be active like I am used to being ... and I am getting really bummed about that. I want to be back to normal now and while I am certainly grateful for the recovery that I have made so far, I want to get up in the morning, go all day, sleep at night and get up the next day and do it all over again.

days off

I just love days off from school, especially when they happen in the middle of the week! Mondays and Fridays off extend the weekend, and are great fun as well, but usually I use the day off to make up for goofing up during the weekend when hubbie was home so the kids don't get to really enjoy the day. A day off in the middle of the week kind of feels like a "skip" day and we thoroughly enjoyed it with no work and just hanging out together along with a special lunch with Daddy!

The other great part about yesterday ... it was our first visit to the beach this season, and it was BEAUTIFUL! Although it was down right foggy, the sun was still out and felt so good on all of us! The kids built sand-castles, played "flops" and lots of lacrosse. We were on the beach for almost 2 hours and now I can't wait for summer!!!

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HOME

FINALLY, the third marking period of the 2007-2008 school year has come to an end. I am not sorry to see the last term end as it brought with it much drama, tears, arguments & life lessons that are always hard to learn. I am not certain I truly thought we would see a happy ending to the term, BUT WE DID!!!

Both kids made the "A" honor roll, which is certainly terrific, but more importantly Beachboy learned just how important organization is when it comes to his life at school and his life at home. I think even he was shocked that he managed to pull up two fairly miserable grades by working hard and being "present" in his life at school. He really pulled it off, and I am just so proud of him! Beachgirl didn't have quite so far to go this marking period, but she has grown from a solid B student early in the school year to a solid A student by the third marking period. She has taken a little longer to "get" how important it is to do your best, but the amazing thing about her is that she felt such a sense of internal pride - what her dad and I thought were secondary to how proud she was of herself for improving just so much. She definitely has a genuine love for learning and what an amazing opportunity it has been to watch her grow.

Beachdad surprised everyone by coming home with a double chocolate cake that said "super job kids!!" That was a great treat for everyone, and how cool that daddy thought of it all on his own!

Today was a GREAT DAY!

it is BEAUTIFUL outside...

and I am only allowing myself a half hour on the 'puter! Of course, I have a zillion blogs to read (hello-mark all as read), 20 ad packets to email out and of course, I am spending the first ten minutes of my 30 posting!

Last night was an interesting one in the "little house at the beach". Beachboy had lax practice and when he got in the car was in a FOUL mood! I asked him what was wrong - I got the completely disrespectful "hands up, head bob" combined with the glassy eyes. Could I leave it alone - NO, so I kept asking various probing questions to find out what had happened and he kept answering the same way "nothing is wrong, MOM" but he was still being nasty in the car.

We got home, everyone took their showers, Beachdad came home after a fairly crappy day at work, and when Beachboy came down I again asked him if everything was ok ... and (unfortunately in front of his dad he FLIPPED OUT!!!) "STOP ASKING ME, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG, THIS IS STUPID, I'M NOT EATING," and on and on. Now then, respect is a big deal in our household so Beachdad was taking none of his outburst - all dissolved into an allout argument.

Beachdad was mad (really mad) at both Beachboy and me - Beachboy for being disrespectful and me for not letting the fact that he was in a bad mood go. But as his mother, I couldn't let it go because I had no idea what had happened! I didn't know if he had gotten hit by the ball, a stick or another player and was just being a "tough guy" and playing with the pain ... and he could be seriously hurt (yes, that has happened before), I didn't know if there was a problem with the coach or another player or what it could be. And the more he didn't tell me, the more I was getting upset that I have a 10 year old son who has decided that he can't tell me all that stuff going on in his life that is bothering him.

Turns out ... after 3 hours of a fairly intense practice, he was exhausted and didn't understand something one of the coaches was telling him and continued to do it wrong. But mainly, he was exhausted and didn't have the patience or energy to keep re-living it! PLUS, he knew it was silly to be so frustrated and angry about that, so he just wanted to forget about it.

Poor guy - I know being my son is not a walk in the park, and I kept him awake long enough to know beyond any shadow of a doubt that I love him more than the air I breathe, but when I ask what is wrong, JUST TELL ME ... and I promise to do my very very best to not suggest potential solutions (what have I gotten myself into????)

the lacrosse crowd

this pic came from beachgirl's game this past Saturday ... and is such a commentary on the "crowd" that hangs out on the girl's lax field every weekend! I kept seeing Lilly, Vera, Pappagallo (I thought that brand didn't exist anymore), colored duckboots, Polo & kate spade on the field in spite of the spitting rain and eventual downpours.

Such a trip down memory lane - the names are just updated today, but when I was in high school, the preppy look was "in" and our school fell for it hook, line, and sinker! I had so many covers for my wooden pocketbook it took an extra 10 minutes each morning to coordinate which corduroy cover best accentuated my outfit!

And the headbands ... bad, bad memories ... won't even go there!!

Are you a child of the 80's?

I am planning a 40th birthday party for my best friend and in putting together her pre-party website, I came across this list and I LOVE IT...embarassing how true it is! Are you a child of the 80's?

1. You consider Ocean Pacific a designer label.

2. You thought the Stray Cats were bringing guitars back to rock 'n' roll.

3. You thought the lead singer of Poison was hot ... until you realized she was a he.

4. You still get the shakes when you remember Apple Macintosh's 1984 advertisement.

5. You preferred Van Hagar to Van Halen.

6. You thought George Michael was straight.

7. You had just discovered this great new singer called Tina Turner.

8. You owned a home Beta video recorder.

9. The Day After gave you nightmares.

10. Your favorite G.I. Joe figure was Snake Eyes.

11. You wondered what Lisa Bonet was doing married to that loser Lenny Kravitz.

12. You never figured out who the crooks were on Murder She Wrote.

13. You believed The Last Temptation of Christ was going to send Martin Scorsese to hell.

14. You regard Look Who's Talking as a turning point in John Travolta's career.

15. You admired Bill Cosby's taste in sweaters in The Cosby Show.

16. You didn't realize The Official Preppy Handbook was a gag.

17. You rolled up the sleeves on your sports jacket for the Sonny Crockett look.

18. You had no problems thinking members of the Miami police department drove Lamborghinis.

19. You thought Burt and Loni were a fairytale romance.

20. You thought Clint Eastwood would one day be president.

THANKS VH-1

sleep glorious sleep

FINALLY!! After one year plus of major sleep issues, I have slept through the night in my own bed without the tv on for three nights in a row!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it might have something to do with the tax refund coming my way (so I am not going to celebrate celebrate until this has happened for a solid month), but regardless, the spring in my step and the smile on my face is due to the fact that I once again woke up IN MY BED this morning!!!!!!!!!

goodnight

things are quite peaceful around here tonight and I am feeling quiet and serene ... two feelings I don't often think of in myself. I want to be peaceful and serene, but unfortunately I think it takes too much work for me to ever really get there: there is always something else that needs doing, or some additional work that needs finishing, or more likely, some task that desperately needs ignoring. So peaceful and serene are usually right around the corner, but I don't get there often.

However, here I am tonight, and I just want to write and write and write. If I had something really exciting to write about, or a solution to all the big problems in life tonight would be the night that I would write my personal manifesto ... but I am not quite that serene - a few more bottles of wine might get me there. If you were to ask me the one thing that I want to be at all times it would be: with class. No matter which persona, or which mood I am in, I just want to show class at all times - with my family, with my good friends and acquaintances, as the president of the PTO and as a mom. Sometimes I feel like I can pull it off, and at others I feel like I am just a faker with my diamond earrings (first mother's day gift) and pearls (wedding gift).

OK, I am going to bed now, goodnite!

technology addict

Hi I'm beachmom and I'm a ... is there such a thing as being addicted to technology, hardware, software, plug-ins, free-ware, open source, and on and on and on? If there is, I am pretty sure I qualify and I think I need some help.

For example, after having trouble communicating with a printer yesterday regarding a relatively simple spot-color publication, I spent the rest of the afternoon trying out various programs, trials and mournfully looking at my checkbook to realize that only by the gog I don't have enough cashola right now to break down and buy the creative design suite - and then spend the next 3 months finally figuring out illustrator & oh, crap, now I can't remember what the page layout component is. I used to use pagemaker eons ago, but when I started getting back into design, I couldn't afford the high-end program and I was simply doing work for myself and local friends with businesses, so the dreaded "Publisher" was adequate for putting together marketing pieces. COMMERCIAL PRINTERS HATE HATE HATE HATE PUBLISHER!!! I never ever send publisher pieces to printers - I always package them and convert to PDF, but the second they realize I used publisher they attack! I don't know enough about the business to be upset with the printer, but it does make my life difficult ... this is my side-job!

SO yesterday, I downloaded Scribus to see if that would be any help to me in talking to the commercial folks ... I am sure it won't be, but oh, well it is a fun way to spend the day!

taxes

finally got around to doing our taxes today ... good news, refund coming-bad news, refund coming! Basically that means I am seeing (instead of just feeling) the downfall of hubbie working FOR an architectural firm and not able to do any design work on the side. In the past, we kept our number of exemptions relatively small because the extra taken out of salary made tax time bearable with the added income where we were not taking out tons of taxes. "Moonlighting" in architecture is completely not allowed, so we obviously need to work on another way of working on that extra income!!

But for right now, I will just be grateful that we don't owe any taxes this year which is a major bonus!!!

a quickie

busy busy week in these parts especially with one day of beautiful weather thrown in! The grass was tended for the first time this season and man o man do I need to get out and deal with those weeds in the flower beds! I love the surprises of spring. Like when the house is freezing cold, I bundle up for the day, go outside and it is warm warm warm!

OK, so I don't like going back upstairs and changing ... but I love the warm warm warm!

5,8 & 10 year old Christians

I am certain one of the "laws" of socially acceptable blogging is to avoid certain topics for posts ... and probably religion is right up there near the top of the list - BUT, what the heck ... I will share my little story anyway!

Last week I lost my grandfather after a month-long, fairly intense illness, surgery, recuperation and subsequent illness. We buried his body on Saturday with the help of the State Police (impressive ceremony especially when you realize he had been retired since 1965). It stinks, I miss him, my extended family is hurting ... loss of any type is just a major bummer. However, my family (immediate and extended) are Christians and most of us are Methodist, with a few Catholics thrown in.

Yesterday, on the way to lacrosse practice our eldest asked: "Mom, if Pop-pop-pop didn't believe in God, would he still go to heaven because of all of the great things that he did during his life?"

Me: "Well, first of all, Pop-pop-pop DID believe in God, so he is in heaven ... but no, our beliefs say that only by believing in God do we go to heaven regardless of our acts of goodness and kindness here on earth. The people in the Old Testament of the Bible tried to earn their way into heaven and we have talked about how difficult it would be to "earn" your way into heaven by your good deeds alone. We are fortunate that God allows us into heaven simply by believing in him."

AND FROM THE BACK SEAT, THE NEWLY TURNED 5 YEAR OLD SAYS: "No, Mom, you don't have to believe in God to get into Heaven, God says we have to believe in Jesus to get into heaven and I do so I will see Pop-pop-pop, and Mom-mom, and Mom-mom-mom and God and Jesus someday."

Someone has been listening in Sunday School ... and mommy needs to get her facts straight!!

Another anecdote from the last few weeks, the evening my grandfather died, our daughter asked if she could say blessing over dinner because "I have a really good one": Dear God, thank you for this food. Please take really good care of Pop-pop-pop because he is in heaven with you now. I hope I see him again someday ... just not too soon. Amen

and again I say, Amen!

don't know where to begin ...

just when I am determined to figure out this whole thing called life - LIFE INTERFERES!!!

Saturday afternoon my beloved grandfather passed away after complications from a heart valve replacement. His procedure took place about 3 1/2 weeks ago and while the surgery went beautifully and the replacement valves looked great and were doing their job (as far as the ct scans showed), his lungs simply could not recover from all of the going-ons. After a really good week of recovery, he started failing and in the last week was returned to CCU and in a matter of days things went from bad to worse and worse and worse until we lost him on Saturday. While it is devastating to lose such a terrific man, and a wonderful grandfather, there is praise to be given that he is no longer in any pain at all. Our daughter asked to say blessing the evening he passed away, and it was as follows: "Dear God, please take care of Pop-pop...and I hope we can see him again soon, but not too soon. Amen" Now is simply the time to take care of the arrangements and then the time to mourn will begin.

Yesterday was Beachdude's 5th birthday. Talk about a bittersweet birthday!! My baby (my last baby) is 5!!!! How that is humanly possible, I have no idea ... but he is one awesome kid! Before my grandfather had his surgery, we had planned to go to the circus and chucky cheese with my parents, my aunt and their grandchildren. We decided Pop-pop would be upset with us if he knew we cancelled the plans because we were sad, so we decided to follow through with our plans. And what a wonderful day we all had!! You see, there is nothing a child's birthday and Funfetti cake cannot improve!

All my love to my grandfather ... and I will go fishing and eat clams casino with you again someday!

easter debate

Should we celebrate Easter in school? This is the big question of the day in our community as a school board recently made the decision that there would be no eggs, bunnies, baskets, candy or parties in the school district during the Easter Season. I am already reeling from the fact that we cannot have a "moment of silence" in our schools because it reminds people of prayer and we cannot have that ... but somehow removing all secular imagery of Easter just gets my goat (or bunny)! I mean, really, what is the harm done with an Easter Egg Hunt and Egg Decorating? I like those activities as opposed to the alternative which is to watch a movie on the "big screen" for the last half of the last day of school before break!

on a lighter note ...

beachboy had a lax tournament on Sunday and while we froze in the wind, rain and arctic temps., at least the lacrosse season is finally here! Beachboy has been playing for 4 years now, however, for some reason he has never played in this tournament. His team has gone the last 3 years, but we have missed it for one reason or another. ANYWAY, the team did a fabulous job - won one and lost three games ... but for a team that just came together as a whole two weeks ago, it was pretty impressive.

One of the remarkable things for me was the ability of beachboy to step up and take on a strong leadership role! The way our league works, the boys play at each level for two years. So, one year you are the newbie and the next year you are the experienced player. Beachboy loves playing with the older boys and loves following their lead and their direction and is very comfortable learning from them. Two years ago we were in the same boat we are now, where beachboy was one of the older boys of the team, but he was not at all comfortable being a leader. This year he has taken to that role with gusto and it is so much fun to watch leading the two younger boys who are playing defense and teaching them, on the field, how to read the players on the other team, help out the goalie, play middie back, etc.

He really loves to play this sport and is just so much fun to watch! Now, we just have to step up the allergy analysis and find a solution to the wheezing and congestion ... doesn't help the running very much!

yes, I am a believer!!

My "spring" post last week has most certainly made a believer out of me:

1. the power of the pen - just taking the time to write down the jumbles of thoughts, fears and frustrations was amazingly cathartic. I have been able to take each point and focus on my issues and analyze where we have been and where I am going.

2. the power of community - WOW!! No one in my real world knows about this blog, however, the two comment responses and the emails that I have received make me realize that there is most definitely a blog world where there are kind and compassionate people who can sympathize, empathize and offer really really great advice!! Sometimes I feel very very alone in my own head because it is not easy to share my fears and failures with others. I really really bared my heart and soul and was not attacked for it - rather some very kind people came to my defense and offered some amazing insight - THANK YOU JCK AND HRH for taking the time to send such a wonderful message to a mom and woman who is in a tough emotional spot!!

3. the power of family - after I got up from the computer I spent the next 3 days focused on our children and found just so many amazing things in each and every one of them that I am grateful for and that make me laugh! Knowing I will get through this tough spot is all the sweeter knowing they are the reasons for being the person I am meant to be!

4. the power of GOD - am I "better" than I was last week? Not really ... Do I feel better than I did last week? Absolutely ... and I have no doubt that God's hand allowed me to reach out, express myself and receive such wonderful advice and suggestions back. Sometimes reaching out is what it takes to find the answers within and that is the best starting place of all.

And that, in a nutshell, is where I am today. Just starting! Starting to find out who and what I am meant to be as life evolves around me. Nothing is simple, that is for sure ... but I am at a starting point and will be picking and choosing my way through the next hours, days & months. And reading some great blogs by some great people!

spring is coming ... and this post is way toooooo long!

we finally have a beautiful day here on the east coast and it reminds me just how much I love the onset of Spring and the imminent arrival of summer!!!

As with most people, I am at such a crossroads in my mommy-world and I don't think I am handling it very well. I am not sure I am handling the changes very well, nor am I doing a great job of accepting the fact that changes have to be made.

I am grateful that I have spent the last 10 years as a stay at home mom ... it is SOOO rewarding for me to know that Beachdad and I made a vow after our first son was born (yes, I said after - 3 and a half months after he was born, I accepted that I was going to be a full time mother). I love being a mother and I love that I have been focusing solely on the kids for their early years. I was heading back to work when our daughter turned 5, but then found out we were pregnant with our youngest. He turns 5 this month and will start kindergarten in the fall. Could he use me at home for a few more years? Yes. Will I be as effective a mom for him as I was for the first two if I don't go back to work? No. And that is very hard for me to admit to anyone, especially myself.

Why won't I be as effective?
1. I have invested my entire self in the kids schooling, and have come to the understanding that I am not an employee of the school district therefor I can only affect so much change. If I cut back drastically on my time spent in school, there will still be plenty of time to be a mother and help my children and their school work, but I won't be investing so much of myself in the school itself.

2. Not knowing all of the things that I know about school would probably be a good thing. Being the PTO president allows me access to information (mostly gossip, of course) that is extremely negative in nature ... and while all of it may not be true, being aware of the negativity and worrying that it so directly could affect the kids (in my heart I don't think it does) is completely scary.

3. We definitely have money issues. I think I naively thought that I was doing the right thing by staying home, but as the three kids are getting older, we have not properly adjusted the budget ... then because he had to get away from a very questionable work environment, my husband took a new job/career last April which will ultimately benefit our family, but did reduce his income and took away the bonuses that I didn't even realize were critical to making ends meet.

4. For the last 4 or so months, I have completely chosen to ignore all of the problematic issues that we are going through. Ignoring problems is my specialty, and I assume at some point they will be resolved. Deep, deep down I know this is not the way to handle issues, but I am now so deep in a "funk" that I have changed the way I am around my husband, my family, my parents and my friends. I am scared, uneasy and questioning our entire future. I don't sleep, I eat excessively and all the time (yup, you can imagine the weight issues), and yet, I continue to try to push the problems deep deep down so that I don't have to face them.

5. This is not the way to live! I am an educated, late-30 mother of three awesomely terrific kids and the wife to an amazing husband. They deserve so much more from me - more patience, more loveliness, more kindness, more family time, just MORE ME. They have not had "me" for so so long ... I have withdrawn into myself and become so aloof. Problems are "their fault" and I find myself yelling and angry at them all the time. Frankly, I hate admitting that I am angry all the time ... but I am angry at myself, not angry at them - they haven't made me this way. I made me this way and I have definitely GOT to find a way to evolve out of this personality.

WHEW, this is probably the longest I have spent thinking about my life and issues in a long long time. Now I just need to figure out how to come out of this funk. Suggestions?

3/13/08

1. 2nd to last day of State Testing - yeaahhhh!!!


2. I have been married for thirteen and a half years and finally today went and requested a copy of my Social Security Card with my "married name" since the school district I would like to sub for would not accept my maiden name card. The SS office was surprised I had never received a card when I changed my name, but the records showed that one had never been sent. I guess the number is more important than the name to everyone except the school district.


3. LAX has started full force around here with sticks, balls, cleats & under-armour scattered about the garage.


4. D*M*, I meant to have the garage fully organized by now so the kids would have a place to put all of the above-mentioned equipment!!!


5. We finally switched to digital cable, but only have ONE CONVERTER BOX ... so now beachdude hangs out in my office/den to watch noggin all day long!!! I am learning many new kids characters...


6. Question of the day ... if this year was not a leap year, would today be Friday the 13th? For the life of me, I cannot figure that out that this given moment!!

money money money

wow, there is definitely something frustrating about money! There is NEVER enough of it, it keeps hubbie away from home more than we would like and it keeps me awake from 2am until 6 most nights. If there was actually a fairy who could grant me one wish, it would simply be to "keep money from ruling our lives"!! I hate that money - spending it and not spending it has such a profound effect on my life and personality from day to day.

Even having money in the bank (which I don't right now, but still there are times when it happens) causes worry, because what do we do with it - spend it, save it, what if it is not there when I need it? OMG, I am driving myself crazy with all of this ... but the kids are healthy, Beachdad likes his career so fortunately that won't be changing anytime soon, and it looks like I will be able to remain an at-home mom until beachdude goes to school full-time in the fall. Yes, I am sure I seem like a spoiled brat about all of this, but I want to stop worrying ... I mean, come on, worrying doesn't solve anything!!

Pet Peeve Alert ... STATE TESTING

OK, I am the first to admit that I am WAAAYYYY over the top on this issue, but our kids are in the middle of state testing this week and next and I am so frustrated that I actually had a "fit" (yes, I raised my voice and expressed my anger) with our vice-principal. While I try very hard to control my temper, this state testing issue has pushed me beyond the limits ... and now I will vent!

I am simply stunned by the absurd attitude that has overtaken our elementary school regarding the state tests. First, because of scheduling issues beyond our control, the testing is almost three weeks earlier than usual this year. You would think, however, that the testing is 6 months earlier than usual based on the frantic, almost manic, cramming that is going on in the classrooms. Beachboy came home MONDAY (math test started Wednesday) with a brand new way of executing multiplication of 2 places and 3 places which he had never seen before and was told by his teacher: "this is the only way you can show multiplication on the state test". HELLLOOOO, are you kidding me? My response: "Beachboy, we will do this worksheet for homework, then you can forget this method until after state testing is done and we will go back to this method so that you understand what it is". His math teacher was furious with me, but I calmly explained that Beachboy could not change his methodology at this late date and I did not expect him to. [Mind you, I have been working with my son on my own based on state standards so that he would be prepared for the upcoming math topics, which his teacher, unfortunately, has not been doing].

Issue #2: we received a phone call Sunday Night from the school system "reminding us" that state testing was starting this week and we needed to make sure our children got plenty of sleep this week and ate a nutritious breakfast every morning because these tests are so important. IMPORTANT TO WHOM????? It does not affect my son or daughter's education ... as a matter of fact, if the school did poorly maybe the school would go back to teaching the basics which we parents have been screaming for for the last few years! Shouldn't our students be getting plenty of sleep and eating a great breakfast every morning that they go to school? And why does the school provide free breakfast only during state testing? Why not all year long?

I have begged, pleaded, volunteered and everything else I can think of to energize our administration and teachers to accept that they are responsible for the education of an entire generation of students. The students in their classrooms this year will only be there for one year, so no matter how tired they may be, or how tired they are of the material they are teaching, they owe it to our students to be the best teachers they can possibly be. I still get excuses and complaints on a regular basis...never, concrete answers or suggestions on how we can move our program forward and deal with our excelling students as well as those who are lagging behind. But believe me, the stress and pressure is on the kids right now ... "you had better get a 4 or a 5 on the test this year or else our school will not keep its superior rating"! That is not fair to a 4th grader who is dealing with a ton of hormonal and emotional issues as well as already has test anxiety.

OHHHHH, I am an angry MOM right now!!

Precision and Order are all that I Ask...

Our family Christmas Present from my brother was a wonderful trip in January to NYC to see Mary Poppins. We had a wonderful wonderful time and the kids just loved the play (it was their first Broadway Show ... and what a great one to begin with!)

Just a week or so ago, my brother asked if I was sure the kids had a good time, because he loves the idea of giving the theater as a gift and would like to do it again next year! Well, I think the "proof is in the picture" ... this morning, beachdude came downstairs after dressing himself with his "briefcase" and "umbrella" singing word for word "Precision and Order" from the play.

Yes, I think the kids LOVED the play!!

no good deed ...

goes unpunished! Is that the quote? Today has just been one of those "through the dryer and still feeling damp kind of days!!"

My involvement with the PTO at the kid's school is not my favorite thing to talk about because it makes me sound like such a negative nellie. But, today has been one of the worst and I just cannot believe the nerve that people have. People who don't volunteer, help out, participate in any way except to send "nasty grams" every time that they can. I just got a new VP, god love him, and his words to me this morning were "The only words that should be coming out of anyone's mouth about the pto's activities should be 'thank you'"! I love supportive people and I love the sentiment. However, I can deal with criticism one on one. I know all of the work that our committees do on a daily basis at our school, so we have nothing to apologize for. Could we do things better? ABSOLUTELY!! Could things be more organized? ABSOLUTELY!! But come to me personally about these issues, or come to one of our monthly board meetings to express your concerns.

getting along with others rule #997:
DON'T VENT IN THE COMMENTS SECTION OF AN E-VITE inviting you to come to school and judge a children's poster contest!!!!!

The day WILL TURN AROUND ...

4th Grade

When we first had BeachBoy, I was warned about the late nights, colic, the terrible twos lasting longer than just that 12 month period, the heartache of that first day of school. I am in the process of preparing myself for the pre-teen hormones, the teenage years, again staying up late into the night as he drives and goes out, the heartache of his first heartbreak, meeting his future wife and not liking her at all, then accepting the woman he marries. THEN easy street with grandkids and all that joys that my parents are currently experiencing.



HOWEVER, no one, and I mean no one warned me about 4TH GRADE HELL!!!! There is no other way to describe the tumultuous household that we currently have with our 10 year old 4th grader:

No respect ~ No responsibility ~ attitude ~ no drive or ambition ~ doesn't care about school, sports, life in general ~ forgets EVERYTHING

He simply cannot get it together. If he survives to the age of 11, I will be stunned. Beachdad and I stay awake at nights trying to figure out what is going on, where our awesome kid went, and when is he going to come back home. I miss him terribly and I just pray he comes home soon - I will welcome him with open arms! Until that glorious day, however, we will continue to ride him, take away privileges, add to his chores, continue to love him and pray, pray, pray that things will get better!

it was AWESOME!!!

there are times that I am so frustrated by our school that I could just scream ... but then there was this weekend when I was in absolute AWE!!

We survived the 2008 school play this past weekend ... and for only having two lines, Beachboy did a fabulous job. His largest feat was "pretending to talk" while his microphone was on so that no one else could hear anything. I was impressed by his skill! Actually I was impressed by all of the actors skills ... considering we are not an arts or magnet school, our school putting on "The Sound of Music" with 3rd, 4th & 5th graders was impressive in and of itself. The amazing quality of the production was quite a credit to our students and directors! WOWOWOWOW ... is all I can say!

a sidenote:
Off to make dinner ... Daddy is not home tonight so we are having gourmet Chicken Condon Bleu (frozen and pre-packaged) with scalloped potatoes (also frozen and pre-packaged)! Daddy won't eat this particular meal, so whenever he has a late night with no dinner at home, the kids beg for it!

must we not learn from (our mother's) mistakes?

poor beachboy is not having a great week (month, 6 months) by any stretch of the imagination ... and it is driving me batty! Mainly driving me batty because that poor child is living every mistake, screw-up, test and trial that I experienced at the same age. I don't really have a good way to let him know that "everything you are doing to get out of doing homework/being responsible/telling the truth/getting good grades, is just very simply NOT GOING TO WORK ... so you might as well just "hop-to", get your work done, and accept that you currently have no control over your life."

He is insisting on learning all of this the hard way, and frankly, it is starting to piss me off! Definitely not a good day around here today.

gotta be a quickie

snowballs here, snowballs there ... my procrastinating ways have finally caught up with me and I have been way too busy for the last week! Throw in a bad case of pink eye and a respiratory infection (read nebulizer treatments) for BeachBoy and final week of play practice (yahoo) for BeachGirl and the BeachFamily bus service has been in full swing.

Update - I was actually the recipient of the part time job I talked about last week and finally got in all of my paperwork for substituting. Maybe there is light somewhere in the depths of the deep black hole of financial trauma that we are experiencing. I only know that I have slept through the night for two straight nights in a row! How to juggle two additional responsibilities, I have no idea ... but at least I am "doing something" about our problems instead of "hoping" they will go away.

BeachDude is away for the day with his awesome grandparents ... so I have six open hours to finish (well, start and finish) the school play program, a zillion thank you notes and get our health insurance payment in the mail by 2 pm. Wish me luck!

job interview ?!?!

WARNING ... this picture titled "sheer happiness of a devil child" has nothing to do with my post. But, I love it so!!

Now back to our regularly scheduled post:
I went on my first "job interview" this morning! Well the "job" part might be a little mis-leading ... it is more of a part-time intense hobby type of job, but they pay actual cash for the type of stuff that I currently do for free for the PTO, the Lacrosse League, friends & family etc. So, it was pretty heady stuff for this SAHM who listed her last paying job as 1997 ... and then listed tons of volunteering projects that I have done since the little ones came along.

My favorite comment ... "you mean you could ACTUALLY put together the program and send it to a printer?" Yes, why yes I could! Not sure who this group has been interviewing over the last few weeks, but my skill set certainly seemed to be a good match! fingers crossed!

My creation

My creation, originally created by fd's flicker toys.

I love love love finding new toys to play with ... thanks to Zoot for directing me to this one! Christmas in the Square!

bas ket ball

basketball,

Beachboy has been a lacrosse fanatic for 3 years now. The first year was a complete waste because he hated it, didn't understand the sport, and found the time he spent on the field a complete waste. I stressed and fretted, but stuck by our rule "if you start a season you finish a season" so there was no choice about quitting! A friend who had older boys who played told me this was normal ... hang in there he would become a lax junkie!

SURE ENOUGH ... after his first horrendous season, he cannot get enough of the sport now! AND, he is doing very well. The best of players (NO), the most athletic (NO), the toughest (NOOOOOO) ... but the boy loves to play and he is coachable. (Hubbie taught me what that means).

SO, fast-forward to this past November when he really really really wanted to play league basketball. Mind you, it can be cold where we are and indoor lacrosse is only offered one day a week, so he wanted to play a winter sport. He started early in the season with excitement and enthusiasm. We have progressed from the early days of having absolutely no athletic ability whatsoever, to being a pretty good athlete. Unlike his mother, his two feet can move independently of one another ... a definite bonus for playing the sport of basketball.

Is he the best on his team (YES), is he the most athletic (YES), is he the toughest (YES) ... now, this might sound like I am a little full of myself ... but ... and this is a BIG BUT... his poor poor team is absolutely pitiful! They have played 14 games so far and the closest score was 14 - 1!!!!!! Beachboy is not feeling the enthusiasm or the excitement any longer. If he could quit, I know he would, he hates it ... but remember the rule: "if you start a season, you end a season" ... maybe next year will be better!

I don't know about you

...but I have a really hard time writing when things are not going so well! This time it is financial ... after 10 years of not working and staying at home with the kids, our financial situation has finally gotten to the point of major suckage!! This has been coming for a year or so, and I have been trying to "stem the tide", but the big ole wave is getting closer and closer to home and I am not quite certain how we are going to get out this time. My major piece of advice to anyone who might want to ask, don't think that your credit cards can solve any problems... they simply make things worse, and worse, and worse. Now, I have always known that the cc's were a stop-gap measure for a very short period of time, but as the kids have gotten older and older, the opportunity to pay back down to zero balances has simply disappeared.

7 months until the littlest one is in school full time ... we have promised I wouldn't go back to work until then and we have been so relieved to have been able to keep that promise, but something has to change, and soon!

cool mom ... NOT~!

but … the kids came home from school today in a cute little snow storm that we are having. They got home, went to the snack cupboard and Beachboy said “awwww, I wish we could have snow ice cream but I know you never got the stuff”. I love love love the days that I can surprise them and I did! So, here you go, straight from Paula Deen … SNOW ICE CREAM!!

8 cups of freshly fallen snow
1 14 oz can sweetened condensed milk
1tsp vanilla (although chocolate sauce truly works better)

Quickly mix all three ingredients … even more quickly serve in bowls and pour chocolate sauce over the top & serve!

Truly one of the more awesome things this mom does (yes, that is pathetic!!)

day off from school

thanks to MLK day, we had no school today! I tried something new today, and spent the entire day at our best friend's house so that the kids could all play and hang out ... and we could enjoy a day of no driving and dropping, laundry, cleaning and organizing. I took my computer with me so I could finish a "picture project" for my mom ... figured out that I had to re-format my flash drive to "fat-32" (whatever) so that it would accept all of the pictures ... so I wasn't COMPLETELY USELESS!!

Once I finished the hard, hard work of the day ... we curled up on the sofas with blankets & iced tea and totally vegged in front of the huge tv, watched a full morning of TLC, then "The Devil Wears Prada" - can you say, awesome bangs & eyeliner - and then watched 3 episodes of "better by the dozen" about these amazing (sort-of) families with 12 or more kids. OMG OMG OMG!!

Meanwhile, our 6 kids ranging from 4 through 11 were truly having an awesome awesome day playing video games, outdoor football in 16 degree temps, hairstyling and creating a "spa" as well as eating pizza, birthday cake & everything else that wasn't nailed down in the house.

THE BEST DAY OFF FROM SCHOOL EVER!!!

giraffes

"I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe, and someone said I was a snake, I'd think, no, actually I'm a giraffe."

I have google desktop, and this quote was in my "Quote of the Day" today - attributed to Richard Gere. I usually do a "quick check" of email and reader before anyone else in the house wakes up in the morning just so I know what is up for the day. This quote has stuck with me all day because it has taken me a long long time to feel this comfortable about myself. If someone were to ask me, I would tell them that I finally felt like an "adult" when I could finally accept who I am with no apologies or exception. When I finally didn't apologize for being a SAHM in spite of the fact that our financial outlook is dismal. When I finally realized that THE ONLY PERSON WHO COULD RAISE MY CHILDREN WAS ME regardless of what all of the "experts" (including my mom) had to say. When I finally realized that I could have an opinion and support that opinion even when it went against common beliefs.

I was 6 feet tall in the 7th grade and my nickname all through high school was "giraffe". Now, if that sounds endearing to you, you must be 5'2" and desperate to be taller because it was awful. But, being tall came with one benefit that I did not realize until I was much much older, and that is that tall people are definitely taken more seriously that shorter ones - especially girls. Had I realized this when I was in high school, my life would have been a whole lot easier. But, as it was, all I felt was gawky, awkward, and geeky. To make matters worse, I had absolutely no coordination which meant that sports of any kind were out of the picture. I was, however, to the horror of my son, a cheerleader. I loved cheering, the uniform, the saddle shoes (yes, we wore them in the late 80's), the hair ribbons. I never felt out of place when I was cheering, but omg, I should have - I look back at the pictures and now completely understand why they called me "giraffe"!

stuff stuff stuff

finally ... this is a relatively slow week! Does that mean I am accomplishing all of the little tasks I have been putting off for months? Of course not...however I have been ironing off and on for the last hour or so just to keep the "guilts" from taking over. I truly hate ironing, but it is not so bad when it gives you a great excuse to watch "The Housewives of Orange County" and "Who's Wedding is it Anyway" for hours on end. I just love mindless "reality" TV ... Bravo with its project runway, and the food one - can't remember the name now was just made for me. I can while away hours with the whiny, whimpering, and backstabbing gossip that goes on hour after hour! Long live BRAVO!!

kid sports

when is a parent pushing sports too much??? I am really struggling with this because while the kids love their respective sports, and they are really pushing themselves at the moment ... I worry that I am encouraging this behaviour just a little too much and I need to back off my enthusiasm so that they don't feel pressure from the parent front. I WAS NOT A SPORTSGIRL growing up - cheerleading was about my speed and I truly have never apologized for that! Hubbie was a football and track "superstar" in high school and college and just loves that the kids each have their own sports that they love.

Beachgirl is a swimmer ... and frankly if you could watch her swim you would realize that she has a God Given talent for the sport. When she starts to get a little cocky (which with her success, who wouldn't at this age) I am reminding her that this is a talent she was given and it is her responsibility to practice and practice and listen to her coaches ... her speed and grace at the age of 8 are due to something beyond her and she should be proud and humble. She has decided to move to a new practice time for the next two months because the girls in her group are getting a little lazy as the season winds down and practices are becoming free-for-alls and the coach is getting pretty frustrated with their lack of discipline. The new practice time is a much smaller group and includes the girl who "smoked" beachgirl in the 50 meter free last weekend ... so she wants to practice and pace with this girl.

I think that her thought process is amazingly mature for an 8 year old, especially when all of her friends who got her started in swimming are in the earlier group. BUT, is she just setting herself up for a fall by taking all of this so seriously so young? I wish there were easy answers!!!

Alzheimer's

oh my heavens, our extended family is beginning to realize that in spite of all of the awesomeness that exists in our lives it is time to accept that Alzheimer's is now touching us and we need to find a way to deal with it. My grandmother was killed in a car accident when I was 13 and my grandfather remarried a year later to the woman who is now his wife. My grandfather is having major heart and lung problems which just forced them to come home from Arizona. We have been suspecting but now realize that the extremely beligerant behavior that his wife has exhibited over the last 2 years was the beginning of Alzheimer's. My parents went to pick them up in AZ ... and there is no question there is a major problem that must be dealt with immediately - she is so bad she is threatening the welfare of my grandfather. Not a good situation!

a few tidbits

• the littlest guy went to his first drop off birthday party on Saturday ... well, we made it a drop off party since we had a basketball game for Beachboy & a swim meet for Beachgirl. He was sooooo excited about this party with its Hawaiian theme and he knew exactly what he wanted to buy for the little girl - JEWELERY!!! I tried, I really really tried, to change his mind and help him select a toy or game for the little girl, but NOOOOOO he wanted to get her earrings or a necklace because she likes jewelery. When a 4 year old boy gives a 5 year old girl a Pooh locket there is apparently hell to pay from the little girl's dad.


• preschool drop off today was a hoot! After the big party Saturday, the little guy is apparently the "hit" at preschool and had kids pulling him in every direction. "play with me", "play with me", "play with me"! In typical little guy fashion he stated, with hands on hips, "I don't want to play with any of you ... I want to play with [the one little girl in the room who wanted NOTHING to do with him]!!!


• the new hair is OK - still working on making it look cute and flirty - not mom hair!


• Beachgirl must have had a hard swim practice tonight ... she is a BEAR!!!


• paid bills today ... $112 left in the account. I guess I should be happy we are in the black and not the RED

4 inches

went for a trim today and wound up cutting off 4 inches of hair into many many choppy layers and a side "swoop" as my son calls it. I think I like it - a little concerned about having "mom hair", but what the heck, it grows back ... doesn't it????? Of course, the cut has led to an appointment in a week for some new highlights in the top - need some color since he took off all of my summer sun highlights!

Waiting to see what hubbie thinks ... he'll like it though because it means no more ponytail (and sweats!!)

beachgirl

the little miss left the house this morning in full tears, swollen eyes and face ... and all because of me! wow, there are days when that 8 year old makes me feel like I am riding a roller coaster - fabulous mood & fun one moment, and the world is ending the next. She, more than the boys, suffers the most when I am stressed and have a lot going on. She does not like disorder and agitation, so the simple fact that I was trying to deal with some PTO stuff this morning before I took them to school just put her in a tizzy. Do I blame her? NO! How many mornings have things been going along just fine and I decided to take a moment to deal with one small issue that turns into Mount Olympus ... but I am still going to deal with it in the 10 minutes before we go to school! What happens next, I start running around grabbing my bags & phones, finding shoes for the little guy and getting irritated with the older two because I CAN'T FIND HIS SHOES and you two don 't have your backpacks and coats on and surely it is your fault.

OMG, I am psycho ... no wonder my daughter is happy one minute and a disaster the next. She has been WELL trained!

good morning and good day

today I am blogging first thing, taking the kids to school, coming home and not even entering the office until 1/2 of the laundry mountain is gone! Had a big PTO meeting last night, and between planning that meeting, assembling a teacher grant application and waiting for word on my ill grandfather (not so good), AND the fidgeting on the computer over the past few days ... the landscape around these parts is a little "rugged"!

PTO - the most frustrating responsibility that I have right now, and that is saying a lot. I am president of our group for five more months and am ready to be done! I don't even like the way that the PTO is, but I don't know how to solve it. My goal has always been to have a more open, more friendly, more engaging group ... but even when you have 30 people show up for a meeting, it feels like a failure when no one bothers to volunteer to head up or even help with an event. Why don't more people realize that we cannot continue to do all that is done without more help and participation. AARGH! Oh well, obviously the nature of PTO's in general - I have certainly read plenty of posts from the other side ... "I won't be part of our school's PTO/A because they are snooty moms who are power hungry" or "I don't want to be part of an organization, I just want to do my own thing for the school". All relevant points, but boy does it make it hard from the board side of things!

OK, vent over, day must begin!

can you see it, can you see it???

photoshop has been the bane of my photo existence for a very very long time. Back in the day (when I was just a cute (HA), sexy(HA) wife ... and earning a salary) I had an assistant who could "do photoshop" like there was no tomorrow. She tried and tried to teach me .... but I was hopeless and it was a waste of her time to not just fix the d*** pic herself and email it back to me. Well, after 5 years I may have found a proper tutor, I followed some step by step directions of how she made an incredible piece of art from an already amazing photograph ... and LOOK ... I did something kind of cool without ruining the picture. Truly, I have never pulled of a transformation of any kind before, and while this may not seem a huge big deal ... it is to me!!! Yeah, me!

So, now that I have spent 2 1/2 hours on the 5 minute blog check I must go scale the laundry mountain!

thanks Pioneer Woman!!

how is it possibly 10:30 already???

I JUST sat down to start working on the PTO agenda for tomorrow night's meeting and looked at the dreaded clock and WHAT THE HECK???? According to my schedule, I should already have the agenda well underway, all contacts confirmed for attendance and in the process of developing an application for Teacher Grants.

AND NOW, I need to go get another Diet Coke, move the laundry, fold the laundry, grab something sweet and then return to my desk to get back to work started! Who do I beg for an extra two to three awake hours in the day? I really really need them!!

Saturday

we spent the day taking down holiday decorations, re-arranging the living room (for the 4th time this year) and watching poor beachboy get CRUSHED in basketball. All in all a bizarrely comforting day ... nothing too exciting going on, just a very "family day" with plenty of time to chat with the kids even though they were trying to escape for fear I was going to ask them to run one more thing to the "box downstairs" or the trash. In the rush rush world of the last three weeks, it was a very pleasant way to spend a cold and blustery Saturday.

another gramma gift

Christmas07 076, originally uploaded by lauri_weeks.

again, I say, where is the mother that I grew up with????? Beachboy asked over and over for "club penguin" merch, and being the good mother that I was trained to be, I said "no" over and over and over.

BEHOLD... Beachboy starts yelling "awesome, Gramma you are awesome" while he pulls out this red ball of fluff and brown T-shirt.

I had no clue what Mom had put in that box since she was such a straight-laced mother and if our requests were in any way "popular", "fashion-forward" or based on a tv character she always let us know it was just not appropriate.

Obviously, I needed a computer in the old days ... apparently internet characters are OK!

photo confusion

Christmas07 064

Originally uploaded by lauri_weeks

I am slowly organizing the computer for the new year ... and playing around with all of the photographs from the holiday (and my new camera) ... thanks again kids!! Can you tell in this pic, there are probably 4 photographers in the immediate vicinity?

Quick story ...

my original camera is at the bottom of Pirates of Caribbean in Disney ... the kids had a pretty heavy fall season of "cat sitting" for which they received $15 / day.  When they were done they told Daddy that they would like to use their money to buy Mommy a new camera because she didn't have one anymore.  AND...they found the magazine inserts of a digital SLR since they thought mommy needed a more "professional" camera.  The kids earned $220 and hubbie chipped in the rest for the Nikon D40 ... which is a lot of camera for someone who has been using a point and shoot for the last 7 years.  I love it, all of my Nikon lenses work on it (yes, I have to manually focus ... but I haven't had any problems) and I was once again reminded just how special my life is.

what happened to my mom?

**discussion of pic to follow - timeout to say "thanks" to MissZoot for her help this morning in teaching me how to use FLICKR to have reasonable size images on my blog without changing the sizes of all of my images on my hard-drive. A godsend which I have been struggling to figure out for a couple of months now!!

Now, back to me ... on Christmas morning, beachgirl and her "little beachgirl" received matching pj's from my mother. Cute, yes. A little creepy, yes. The simple idea that my mother would spend more than $75 on matching pj's for the girl and her doll is simply amazing! Don't for a second think that Mom ever left me wanting for anything (well, a car at 16 ... but fortunately Dad won that battle), but I honestly do not think even for the slightest second she would have CONSIDERED this special little purchase! Beachgirl's mom didn't either... Thanks Gramma.

ahhhhhh ... the newness of it all!

New Year's definitely ranks up there with one of those "bittersweet" holidays in my book.  Bitter because the years are actually flying by (yes, all you youngn's out there...it does happen) and ONCE AGAIN, no solo trip to Paris to stroll from cafe to cafe ... but definitely SWEET because we all get to start out all over again.

My brain has a wonderful capacity to block out the past year (well at least the bummer parts) and pretend I am all shiny and new all over again and I have the opportunity to once again be perfect.  Ok, perfection might be pushing it since I got a ticket at 9:01 am today for failing to properly signal during a turn.  Here's the scoop - I did signal (the policeMAN) even acknowledged it ... but I did not signal for long enough - thus a $66 ticket on January 2nd!  Not my fault, though, or at least that is what I am claiming ... not my fault we live in a wee-small tourist town where the police have nothing better to do than harass poor defenseless mothers who are finally dropping off the youngest of her brood after 13 days of a kid & present filled existance.

OK, back to my striving for perfection ... if only in my own mind!

welcome, 2008

wow!  that is about all I can say about 2007 ... nothing monumental happened ... we ate, we breathed, we grew and we slept.  Because this is my first post of the New Year I will leave out that we fought, we pouted, we complained and we realized that we don't currently make enough money to cover all of the kids extra-curricular activities.  BUT, all in all, it was a great year and one that I am certainly thankful for.

While I have spent a lot of time in the past few days being reflective, pensive and basically "psycho in my head" I have given lots of time and thought to the three following categories which  I will discuss shortly...

1. money, money money money!

2. we just have way too much crap in the house ... no wonder 5 minutes after everyone comes home from school it appears that a whirlwind has struck the house

3. parenting, discipline, "liking your kids", etc.

Chew on those for a while and I will be back to discuss later!